Underdog upsets & mind games · Cosmic · Mismatch
Squirrel Girl vs Saitama
Two heroes nobody has ever beaten. One of them is going to have to be first, or neither will.
Tale of the tape
| Marvel | Universe | One-Punch Man |
|---|---|---|
| Superhuman | Tier | Cosmic |
| Has beaten cosmic villains and nobody knows how | Strength | Ends any fight with one punch |
| Being friends with everyone, including villains | Weakness | Crushing boredom: no one is ever a challenge |
| 0–0–1 | Record on Versus | 2–0–1 |
The Arena
Doreen Green had beaten Thanos, Galactus and Doctor Doom, and nobody, including Doreen, fully understood how. When she heard about a bald hero in another universe who also had a perfect record against impossible enemies, she brought her squirrel friend Tippy-Toe along and went to meet him.
She found Saitama sitting on a park bench, reading a supermarket flyer. She held out her hand. “Hi! I’m Squirrel Girl. I’m unbeatable!” Saitama looked at her, then at the squirrel on her shoulder. “Huh. Me too.” There was a long pause.
Round One
They agreed to a friendly spar, mostly because both of them were curious. Doreen opened with a flurry of kicks and punches that would have dropped a Hydra squad. Saitama stood there and let them land, looking mildly interested. Then a hundred squirrels came out of the trees at Doreen’s call and swarmed over him.
Saitama stood perfectly still under a pile of squirrels, deeply confused. He did not want to hurt any of them. They were just squirrels. He carefully picked one off his head and set it down on the grass. It climbed back up.
The Turn
Saitama finally decided to try a single, very gentle punch, a tap, really, just to end things. He raised his fist. Doreen did not dodge or block. Instead she held up a hand and said, “Wait. Before you do that. Can I ask you something?”
Saitama paused, fist in the air. Doreen asked him whether he was happy being unbeatable. Saitama thought about it for a long time. “Not really,” he admitted. “It’s kind of boring.” Doreen nodded seriously. “Yeah. That’s why I always try talking first. It’s way more interesting.”
The Finish
They sat on the bench and talked for an hour: about villains they had beaten, about how nobody ever believed them, about how annoying it is when people assume you just got lucky. Doreen told him that most villains are just lonely. Saitama told her about a cyborg who followed him around. Tippy-Toe ate half his supermarket flyer.
By the end of it, neither of them remembered that they were supposed to be fighting. Saitama mentioned that there was a sale on ramen. Doreen said she loved ramen. The squirrels came too.
When a journalist later asked which of them would win in a real fight, both of them said the same thing at the same time: “Me.” Then they looked at each other and burst out laughing. Some records are meant to stay perfect.
The verdict
It ends in a draw
Both characters are written to win against anything, so the only honest result is a draw: Saitama can end any fight with a punch, and Squirrel Girl wins by never letting a fight be about punches.
- Saitama’s powerNo opponent has ever survived a serious punch from him.
- Squirrel Girl’s methodShe beats unbeatable enemies by talking, outthinking and befriending them.
- Narrative rulesBoth are written as undefeated; neither story allows a loss.
How the rematch could go differently: If Saitama threw a serious punch before Doreen could start talking, his power would decide it. If he paused for one second, she would win him over.
Who do you think wins?
Who would win in a fight between Squirrel Girl and Saitama?
It is a draw. Both characters are written to win against anything, so the only honest result is a draw: Saitama can end any fight with a punch, and Squirrel Girl wins by never letting a fight be about punches.