Marvel vs DC · Superhuman
Harley Quinn vs Deadpool
Two chaotic, fourth-wall-adjacent lunatics with weapons and no plan. Somebody has to lose. Probably the reader.
Tale of the tape
| DC | Universe | Marvel |
|---|---|---|
| Street level | Tier | Superhuman |
| Gymnastics, a giant mallet and a psychiatrist’s understanding of her opponents | Strength | A healing factor that makes him nearly unkillable |
| Chaos follows her everywhere | Weakness | Will not stop talking |
| 1–1 | Record on Versus | 1–3–1 |
The Arena
Harley Quinn was setting up a surprise party in an abandoned amusement park when a man in a red suit fell out of a portal and landed in her cake. Deadpool sat up, covered in frosting, and looked around. “Ooh. Clowns. Carnival. This feels like a crossover event. Are we doing a crossover event?”
Harley looked at the ruined cake, then at the masked stranger, and her face went very calm. “That cake,” she said slowly, “was for me.” Deadpool licked some frosting off his mask. “It’s really good, though.” Harley picked up a giant mallet from behind the counter. Deadpool turned to the reader. “Okay, I’m in trouble.”
He drew his katanas. Harley spun her mallet like a majorette.
Round One
Harley swung the mallet, and Deadpool dodged it, and it smashed a carousel horse into splinters. He slashed at her, and she backflipped over the blade, landed on a merry-go-round and kicked him in the face. She was faster than he expected, a former Olympic-level gymnast with absolutely no fear.
They fought through the amusement park, wrecking the bumper cars, the ring toss and the hall of mirrors. Deadpool shot her with a bean bag round, because it was a party. Harley hit him with a pie, then the mallet, then a pie again. Deadpool’s head healed after each blow, still talking.
“Okay,” he said, picking cream out of his mask. “You’re fun. Like, really fun.” Harley grinned. “I know.”
The Turn
Deadpool kept turning away mid-fight to talk to the reader, and Harley, a trained psychiatrist, noticed. She stopped swinging her mallet and looked where he was looking. “Who ya talkin’ to, sweetie?” Deadpool pointed. “The audience!” Harley squinted at the empty air. Then she waved at it. “Hiya, audience!”
Deadpool froze. Nobody had ever waved at the audience before. “Wait,” he said. “Can you see them?” Harley shrugged. “Sure. Whatever ya need, hon.” She sat down on a bench and patted the seat next to her. “Wanna tell Dr. Quinzel about it?”
Deadpool, against all his instincts, sat down.
The Finish
For twenty minutes, Harley gave Deadpool the best therapy session he had ever had. She asked about his childhood, his healing factor, his many deaths, his feelings about being in a comic. Deadpool told her everything. He cried a little. She handed him a tissue. Then she very gently zip-tied his wrists to the bench.
Deadpool looked down at the zip ties, then at Harley, who was already walking away with the last of the cake. “Wait,” he said. “Was the therapy real?” Harley turned and blew him a kiss. “The therapy was real, sweetie. And so was the zip tie.”
Deadpool sat on the bench, tied up, thinking about it. Then he turned to the reader. “Honestly,” he said, “best fight I ever lost. Ten out of ten. Would get therapized again.” Somewhere in the dark, Harley was already planning her next party. This time, she would build the cake out of something harder.
The verdict
Harley Quinn wins
Deadpool is a superior combatant with a healing factor, but Harley is fearless, fast and a trained psychiatrist, and she wins by playing along with his fourth-wall talk and talking him into a zip tie.
- PsychiatryHarley understands Deadpool better than he understands himself.
- AgilityHer gymnastics keep her out of his blade’s reach.
- FearlessnessShe treats a killer mercenary like a patient.
How the rematch could go differently: A Deadpool who stayed focused, ignored the audience and fought seriously would beat Harley on skill alone.
Who do you think wins?
Who would win in a fight between Harley Quinn and Deadpool?
Harley Quinn wins. Deadpool is a superior combatant with a healing factor, but Harley is fearless, fast and a trained psychiatrist, and she wins by playing along with his fourth-wall talk and talking him into a zip tie.