Anime all-stars · Superhuman
Gintoki Sakata vs Deadpool
The last strawberry milk in Edo. Two men who know they are in a story. Nobody gets anything done.
Tale of the tape
| Gintama | Universe | Marvel |
|---|---|---|
| Superhuman | Tier | Superhuman |
| A legendary war veteran’s swordsmanship with a wooden sword | Strength | A healing factor that makes him nearly unkillable |
| Lazy, broke and obsessed with sweets | Weakness | Will not stop talking |
| 2–0–1 | Record on Versus | 1–3–1 |
The Arena
Deadpool fell through a rift into the middle of Kabukicho, landed on a sweets stall and immediately turned to the reader. “Okay, new setting! Anime! I love anime! This is gonna be great for the merchandise!” A silver-haired man in a white kimono, picking his nose behind the counter, looked up. “You broke my parfait.”
Gintoki Sakata stood up, slowly, and drew his wooden sword. “That was the last strawberry parfait in Edo. You owe me a parfait.” Deadpool drew his katanas. “Buddy, I owe a lot of people a lot of things. Get in line.” Gintoki turned to the reader too. “Hey, author, are we doing a fight episode? We haven’t had a fight episode in ages.”
Deadpool stared at him. “Wait. Did you just talk to them?”
Round One
They fought down the street, katanas against a wooden sword that should have shattered on the first clash and somehow never did. Gintoki was a legendary samurai, a veteran of a war against an alien invasion, and he moved with lazy, deadly grace. He knocked one of Deadpool’s katanas out of his hand and hit him in the face with the hilt.
Deadpool’s nose healed instantly. He cut Gintoki across the arm, and Gintoki complained loudly that he was going to have to pay for a new kimono and he could not even pay his rent. They traded cuts and insults for a full minute, bouncing off walls and tearing through laundry lines.
Then Deadpool pulled out a gun, and Gintoki said, “Hey, no guns in this arc. It’s a samurai show.” Deadpool put the gun away. Then took it back out.
The Turn
Gintoki got serious for exactly one moment, his eyes narrowing, the demon of the battlefield waking up inside him. He cut Deadpool clean in half at the waist. The crowd screamed. Deadpool’s upper half looked down at his lower half. “Oh, come on, this is the third time this week.” His legs got up and wandered into a sweets shop.
Gintoki stared, then shrugged and sat down on a bench to wait. “Okay, so you can’t die. Great. I can’t win, you can’t win. This is the worst kind of episode.” Deadpool’s upper half crawled over and sat next to him. “Tell me about it. Do you have any idea how many of these fights I’ve had?”
His legs came back carrying two strawberry milks and reattached themselves.
The Finish
They sat on the bench drinking strawberry milk while Shinpachi and Kagura arrived, out of breath, and demanded to know why there was blood all over the street. Gintoki told them it was a crossover. Kagura asked if the guy in red was going to pay for the parfait. Deadpool said he would put it on his tab.
The fight technically resumed twice more. The first time, Gintoki fell asleep in the middle of it. The second time, Deadpool stopped to complain to the reader about the word count. By the end, the street was wrecked, the parfait stall was on fire, and nobody could remember who was supposed to be winning.
“So who won?” Shinpachi asked. Gintoki and Deadpool looked at each other, then at the reader. “Nobody,” they said together. “It’s a gag chapter.” Then they went to find another parfait, and the street fell quiet, and somewhere a very tired narrator wrote the word “draw”.
The verdict
It ends in a draw
Gintoki is the better swordsman and could defeat Deadpool in a real duel, but Deadpool cannot die, and both men are too self-aware and too lazy to settle it, so the only honest result is a draw.
- SwordsmanshipGintoki outclasses Deadpool with a blade.
- Healing factorDeadpool recovers from every cut, even being sliced in half.
- Fourth wallBoth characters know they are in a story and refuse to take it seriously.
How the rematch could go differently: If someone threatened Gintoki’s friends, he would stop joking, and Deadpool would learn what the White Demon of the war really looked like.
Who do you think wins?
Who would win in a fight between Gintoki Sakata and Deadpool?
It is a draw. Gintoki is the better swordsman and could defeat Deadpool in a real duel, but Deadpool cannot die, and both men are too self-aware and too lazy to settle it, so the only honest result is a draw.